so its my 21st today!
i guess i'm happy but not as happy as i thought i'd would be.
so many things have changed somehow.
the way i looked at my life and how i wanted to live it, the kind of person i am and stuff.
when i look back at what i've done over the last 20 years, all i can think of is being very playful and takin everything for granted.
i usually learn things the hard way.
I lived for the day and hardly even cared about the future and then i regretted - after i got my o'level results.
I ended up doing something i least thought i'd do although it was something close but yet not so close to what i initially wanted to do - A Doctor. Now, a Nurse.
But i wouldnt have wanted whatever happened any other way, because i've learned so much!
The friends i've made and the people i met at work, it has some how taught me about the existence of the various kinds of people in this world.
Its amazing how God actually works things in such wonderful ways and whatever He does has a reason behind it.
I'm still a lil unsure as to what i'm suppose to do now but, i do know that this new chapter that has begun will bring new adventures and up&downs.
I'm about to embark on a journey to a new place and that too alone.
But i'm sure that'll be an exciting one.

On a side note, I really do miss going for long walks , watching 2 movies back to back, brekkie, koi, going to night safari and singin Wannabe by Spice girls and basically hanging out.
Call me childish, i dont care- i wish on this 21st that things would be how i wish it would be .

i'm in one of my worst forms.
i've stopped work just so i could take a break from the daily torture that nurses face.
Everything was pretty much fine, till i finally drew the line, which i should have from the start of any form of relationship.( excluding my family.)
All these wouldnt have happened if i had DRAWN THE FUCKING LINE!
it's partially my mistake.
Now, i've lost a few and counting maybe?
and my gut feeling tells me it isnt over.
& i dont wanna lose my best.
my worst fear, loneliness. ( amazing how i'm even admitting it now).
Its probably the only reason why i felt obliged to be nice to everyone cos it felt good to have everybody by my side. Now, No longer.

but i've been in denial, clearly.
i was extremely gullible.
now its time to prepare to face my worst fear, because i have no doubt its round the corner.
i dont know if i'm being self fish or am i just plain scared.
not being able to saying it out loud or keepin it to myself, its a torture. i'd rather have consecutive fuckin bad days at work, at least then i'll have a few hours or days break in between from the shit before the cycle starts again.

Please God , Hear my Plea and give me a chance to make things right again without having to hurt anyone in the process.

but one thing's for sure, my limits have been set and it'll never change.
i doubt i'll let anyone new in and never take things for granted.